I’ve had great success with internet dating; I developed dexterous dating skills, honed my What I Want In A Man list. I received unexpected gifts: honey, ‘mix-tapes’, jasmine oil. I also became more approachable, softer perhaps, and offline men started to ask me out. list, and had much free sushi/ fun/learning with many cool, interesting, good-looking men before meeting The One I now consider my best friend and my look-no-further.
And I’m here to pass on the good news, with some power pointers for safe, successful netventure.
Of course, take my advice on a use it/don’t use it basis – every rule has exceptions, and tho these are exceptional rules, you also need to ask the Goddess of your choice to give you guidance and keep you safe; I’m merely offering you what worked for me in the hope that it brings happiness.
Firstly, let me respond to what I consider to be a few misimpressions.
“Online dating is for the desperate”
Ms N says: NO. I see it as a contemporary answer to a contemporary need. When people ask Us how we met, we say proudly, ‘In space. Cyber-space’. It’s the new way.
“All the good men are taken, or gay”
Ms N say, NAY; most good men have good single friends, most gay men can help you get dressed up to go meet them. I tell you from experience; there are many attractive, affluent, amenable and available men, and the truth is… you only need one! They do exist, and they’re at their computers.
“The internet is dangerous”
Ms N says BE AWARE: Of course there have been many sorry incidences. As with barroom bonding, well-meant matchmaking, and associations established at work or play.
Girl, you’re not going to get drunk at a stadium, hike your hem high and blare “I’m anybodies!” before going home with the first man who waves his… keys.
And you’re not going to venture online without my comprehensively researched Online Dating Rules. Smart and savvy, you’re going to hone your wits, flip your bullsh*t radar to full beam and explore safely.
Ok? Ok.
Now, assemble the Council: sometimes we need outside input, and this selected circle of friends will help you write your profile, vet (meaning have a good giggle at the mails ‘n pics of) your gentleman callers, and point out possible red flags –
Then, once you’ve found your right site {I used Dating Buzz: amalgamates many big sites, very user friendly}, we raise the curtain.
ACT ONE ~ MISS WRITE, IN PROFILE
1. Think up a ‘stage-name’ that you’re totally comfortable with. Mine was IndigoBindi, and my man’s was TriPolar, which I loved!
2. Be honest in your profile, and for this you have to know yourself. State your likes clearly: give it lots of thought and get Council input. Do not mislead, you’ll have to sift through the many mis-guided males. Eg, I stated: “Up front: I am a vibrant, capable, independent, busy woman in the public eye – if you’re intimidated by strong women, I’m not for you, I promise…” Now that is clear. {Of course females, like the moon, are mutable and predestined to change, so you can update your profile on an ongoing basis… }
3. Be ruthless and clear in what you do not want when you lay it on the online. If tardiness makes you biatchy, say so, and the late-greats won’t contact you. I made my no-pic, no-play rule {a personal choice you may not wish to make} clear and those who mailed without pics, received no response.
4. Remember, honestly does not = over-sharing: no need to write that you think men are pig/dogs/randy goats. If you do think that, you are hopefully in for the wonderful surprise that men are people too.
5. Do not date out of your area; if you live in Jozi, only sign on for Jozians, unless you A) are about to move, or B) travel a lot and want tour-guides. You deserve available, attainable men.
ACT TWO ~ PICTURE THIS, BOYS
Do NOT photo-shop, it’s not fair; you want guys to be honestly presented, so afford them the same respect. More importantly, you would hate to see disappointment on his face when you meet, ouch. One of my men met a very pretty girl, who he arrived to find already seated for their first meeting. They had a cool connect, but when she stood up … she had such an immense behind, he was turned off and turned tail.
So be brave, show YOU. I hope that Miss Baby Gotback is now happily dating a man who lurves him some luggage in the boot, but he may have missed her online if she neglected to advertise her ass-ets!
Suggestions for pic posts
1. Go glam and sophis for your profile pic
2. One with little or no make-up
3. One full-body
4. One mildly sexy, but not too sexy – just luscious enough to raise an eyebrow, but not an entire penis.
5. You can ‘hide’ one or two pics, viewable only by Favorites (men you tag for prospective play). But again, not tooo sexy; no need to titillate men you don’t know.
6. And lastly, in pics viewable only by invitees you can let your hair down if you like. BUT lady, do not show your face in these! The last thing you want is some jilted also-ran with distribution privileges.
ACT THREE ~ THE SCRIPT
1. Cut ‘n paste from a doc of appropriate responses. Saves time. I thought it kinder/better karma to answer all males (with pics). Those I wasn’t interested in got “Thank you for contacting me, you look great. We are, however, not the match I have in mind. I know you will find what you’re looking for, and I wish you much fun in finding it!”
2. I had a very few approaches of “wanna meet for sex?”, but those who did got my c ‘n p: “would you like to meet for instant, deeply romantic and financial commitment?” End of males.
3. NEVER give out personal info, like your full name or email address – if you must give a mail address for some reason, get a separate one, it’s easy and free.
4. Don’t do online fantasy. Keep initial pen-palling light and brief, so that you do NOT A) spill your secrets/fears/deepest desires to someone you’ve not met {when he is a real-deal you can dish}, or B) dream up a mirage-man from a stream of text. Trust Ms Noble on this, it’s in “the famous first minutes of meeting when that magic happens” to quote Tripolar. I don’t want you to set yourself up for potential disappointment. If he asks to meet and you want to, we proceed to ACT FOUR, but first, a sidebar…
5. … and this point is personal. It’s up to you, but I was a Rules Girl (more about that for future blog entry), and I never asked them out first. In fact, I didn’t even approach them first… the most I would do is add them as a Favorite for a day or two, and if they didn’t respond by adding me or mailing me, I’d take them off my list. Next!
ACT FOUR ~ U IS NOMMER 5 IN DIE RY/ YOU ARE NUMBER 5 IN THE QUEUE
1. Old cell phone, new SIM card. Instead of a little black book, I had my little black phone, which I called my Dating Buzzer. It was exciting but safe, it was fun but didn’t disturb my work calls… and when I was off the scene, I binned the SIM. You can give him your ‘real’ contact number on date 5. He’ll feel special. EurRIKA!
2. Don’t meet before you talk. If he invites you out, respond with your new phone number. If he gives you his number, respond with your new phone number. Let him call you.
3. And then… screen that first call, just let him leave a message. Now you can listen at leisure, and decide if you like his voice and tone. Allow for the fact that he may be nervous, but listen carefully for overtones of A-holeness or other undesirable qualities. This also has the added bonus of being able to call Council input.
4. If you don’t like the sound of him, you can simply mail him the lovely c ‘n p, as in ACT THREE point 1
5. If you do like, give him a call a little later, keep it light and short, and set up the audition…
6. … because the first meeting is not a date, you do not date somebody you haven’t met. Light-heartedly make it clear that the first meeting will be quick, and that after that, you can both decide if you want a datewhew, you’ve already set it up so that he won’t be hurt if you leave post-latte, post-haste. date. Make a joke; call it an interview, or an audition, and tell him you only have 45 mins for a brown beverage. If you like him when you meet, you can stay longer, but if you don’t…
ACT FIVE ~ THE AUDITION
1. Attention here please, NB, NB, NB – You meet in DAYLIGHT, in PUBLIC, in NON-REVEALING CLOTHES, with a TIME-LIMIT. No exceptions, no explanations; it’s obvious.
2. You will probably have quite a few men to meet, so line ‘em up, and shoot ‘em down. I had no qualms about setting auditions at 70 min intervals, in the same place. No, you’re not a tart, you’re a time-saver.
3. Over coffee, let him do most of the talking. This way, if you’re nervous it won’t show so much, and more importantly, you need to get past his looks (don’t turn on just ‘cos he’s hot, don’t tune out just ‘cos he’s not – surface is not everything. Ok, it’s a lot, but it’s not everything) and see if he reveals himself to be worthy of a date, or given the big skiperoo. When you talk, again, keep it light… let’s see if he asks you questions about yourself.
4. Offer to pay, but do not insist – if he lets you, don’t date him. I’m old-fashioned, so sue me.
5. When you part, do not ask him if he wants to date, smile and say something nice like, “have a great week.” Mince… if he wants, let him ask.
ACT SIX ~ THE REVIEW
1. Now, if he does not mail or call you, leave it be. This is a numbers game, and if you don’t take it personally (try not to, ever, please darling) you will be the winner. We are all entitled to our preferences, that is all, and you don’t know what’s going on in his (love)life. I had quite a few who I thought liked me but never called again… I was curious, but not curious enough to investigate. Just move on, do not contact him again. Ever.
2. If he does invite you out and you don’t want to, mail him a lovely c ‘n p, as in ACT THREE point 1.
3. If you do… then yay!! This is so much fun! Allow him to pick the place. If he asks you to suggest one, make it a venue with flattering lighting.
ACT SEVEN ~ THE PREMIER
1. IMPORTANT: Tell two of your Council where/what time/ who you’re meeting. Arrange for one to call you a couple of hours into the date. Arrange for the other to call you later, and to take action if they don’t reach you, immediate action!!
2. Dress nice, classy. Keep the pussy-pelmet skirt/titty-flash shirt/savage boots in the closet.
3. And leave your legs unshaven/ wear granny-panties, so that even if you’re tempted to indulge in an after-dinner stint, you can’t.
4. Take mace. Know how to use it. I’m just saying.
5. Meet him THERE. He does not need to pick you up and see where you live.
6. Park your car in a well-lit, safe place.
7. Over dinner, please don’t give him your whole story. You’re a woman of mystery, not history – you keep it what? That’s right, keep it light.
8. Avoid sexual banter and innuendo. Don’t write a cheque you’re not prepared to cash.
9. Do not get drunk. Do not get drunk. Do not get drunk.
10. Do not get drunk.
11. I know we are modern women, but please let him pay. When the bill comes, do not even offer, even if you have to sit on your hands. I agree with the song lyrics Live Your Life Be Free, but never be cheap darling. If he won’t afford a first-date meal, I don’t see him generous with love, time or money in the future. If he asks you to pay your half, of course you do. And skiperoo.
12. I hope he walks you to your car. If he comes in for French, hmmm… I’d say no, but on occasion I have been known to accept a little 1st date tongue, so it’s not a hard and fast rule.
13. Talking of hard and fast, definitely do not have sex with him. One: you are not user-friendly! Two: that could be soooo DANGEROUS. No. No, child, save the best for the best, even if you haven’t had sex in forever and he smells like heaven on a stick, you don’t accept that stick tonight. Amy said it, you repeat it; “I say no, no, no.” If he initiates… we-ell, I’m not loving him, but he’s-only-human can’t-blame-him-for-trying. If he insists/cajoles/sulks, get into your car and drive. Not once did I get into any difficult situations, and I pray you don’t… but just be awake and aware. I hope he brushes your cheek with his lips and murmurs how he can’t wait for the 2nd date.
14. If he doesn’t, please, you don’t! You both need time for Review Two
ACT EIGHT ~ REVIEW TWO
Refer to and abide by the above rules of review.
Try not to think about it too much. Just trust/breathe/allow your best of best to come to you, and look forward to meeting Mr Rightnow one day… if he doesent call, sorry honey, and if he does…
ACT SEVEN ~ DATE TWO, COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU
… this could be the beginning of a series! Enjoy!!
Soon I will do some dating and relationship book reviews, and we can chat about what comes next.
For now, I love you and leave you with a simple fact: almost anything you require can be found online. Including opportunity. I’m not saying you will find Big Love, but perhaps you’ll find Big Fun and learning. There’s an 80% chance of a great guy out there with your name on him! The other 20%? Well, we leave room for even better possible manifestations, but let me not get esoteric on you. For now.
Ms Noble signing off for now, my precious girls – I’d love to hear some of your tips too…
Perfect advice.
This is fantastic !!!!!!!
super dooper cool Ms Noble